Wrote a song a few years ago. Haven’t shared because.....I didn’t think I would be comfortable sharing the back story. Maybe I‘ll grow wings of courage and give it back to the universe one day. Every blend has a beginning. This is the story of BREATHE.
It was a rainy day in October.
Feeling low, furthest thing from sober. A bottle of Stones 3/4‘s gone by my side,
To hold me down for the night
as I smoked; I was LOW.
I felt like I had died partially. I could feel pain in my chest like my heart was literally shattering like the speed of breaking glass, but in slow motion. So slow and painful. So I know I was alive, but a part of me felt like it was missing. And I remember just wanting fill the gaping hole with something other than myself which is what I had been doing, and which is why I was in the exact state that I was at the time.
At the time I wasn’t able to accept the idea of therapy (which I did later) so I went back to bad coping mechanisms that I knew where damaging to my health. But the pain I was feeling, I just wanted to numb it. So I would drink and smoke and CLEANNNN. I remember one time scrubbing like a crazy woman and cleaning the kitchen floor with tears.
But I had been there before. And I needed to die in order to be born again and speak this truth amongst other painful truths.
I remember jogging often to shift some of the energy I felt. My muscles would ache, so long hot baths gave ample opportunity to have a good cry and shift some more energy.
I felt anxious unless I was intoxicated. I needed to remedy the feeling. I was drawn to lavender in every waking moment. I researched its properties deeper than my knowledge at the time to understand why. Sitting at my work desk with this mantra written on a post it note:
I CHOOSE TO BE PATIENT. EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE VISUALISED, INTENDED PRAYED ABOUT AND WORKED ON IS IN THE PROCESS OF MANIFESTING. AND I WILL REMAIN CENTRED AND AT PEACE, HAVE FAITH AND BELIEVE THAT IT IS ALL ABOUT TO HAPPEN FOR ME.
I needed nurturing. I wanted to be in balance, and not intoxicated by the floral mothering scents of nature.
I sometimes refer to this as the heartbreak blend. The experience is bitter. Nothing sweet about it for me personally, so I seek for a remedy to remedy it. That is healthy, and holistic.
The trio of these three are DIVINE.
When I managed to make it into work getting on the train was chaotic for my spirit. (What I now can identify as anxiety after therapy) .
I found myself applying the blend everywhere I could just before the train doors opened and closed my eyes....Remembering to BREATHE.
I named this blend B R E A T H E because I often used it in a panic, whether train, attacks of the mind, difficult conversations or nights where sleep wanted to play hide and seek with me. The intention is to nurture & calm and bring you back to breath as you inhale the floral sweet scents.
The mantra for my present:
I CHOOSE TO BE PATIENT AND PRESENT. EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE VISUALISED, INTENDED PRAYED ABOUT AND WORKED ON IS IN THE PROCESS OF MANIFESTING AND I GIVE THANKS. I WILL REMAIN CENTRED AND AT PEACE, HAVE FAITH AND BELIEVE THAT IT IS ALL ALREADY HAPPENING FOR ME.