I had never tried to meditate before. So I threw myself in the deep end to master the practice.
I remember being on the 6th day of a 10 Day Silent meditation course and wanting to discover answers. The teachers and course managers there advised that you go and see a teacher if you are having issues or want to talk things through. I didn’t see the point in it, I felt strongly that nobody else could answer any of the questions that I have, and that the answers lay somewhere within myself. I just had to uncover it.
On the 7th day, following a sleepless night, I shared my experience with the teacher.
“I’m able to focus my attention on my breathing, I sometimes complete a body scan from my feet, but only reach up to my waist and then get distracted. This afternoon I didn’t try to focus on anything but the space within and the more I connected the more I cried. And I was sobbing, sobbing deeply. Tears streaming down my eyes, I could feel the wetness of my blanket on my neck and my chest. I didn't move an inch to wipe my eyes, the tears just streamed and streamed for what felt like hours.”
The response from my teacher was that I was working at a deeper level and clearing out sankaras (SANKARA - habitual patterns of the unconscious mind, unresolved traumas, guilt, pain etc). I had to let that one go because my Ego wanted to attach to it and say wow look at you working at deeper levels and shit, it served me no purpose at all in that space, so I acknowledged it, and then discarded it.
She also said to continue to observe the sensation that I shouldn’t attach to it but OBSERVE it.
I didn’t feel that I was clued up after speaking with her. But I appreciated the warmth of her voice having not uttered a word in 6 days.
8 months from the date, I’m sitting in my new home; a home that I visualised for myself 2 years prior not knowing that this current reality was the space and time that I saw.
I sat for 8 minutes to meditate as I do often to centre myself when I feel misaligned. My mind was busy and I was thinking about spirit. I know so far in life that water is spirit and spirit is water, I know that deeply. I paused, and then I felt the exact same thing again 2 years ago, the tears came with a force.
I have these experiences regularly but this came with a strong force, and these tears are not necessarily sad or happy tears. It’s difficult to describe....
It’s like an overwhelming feeling of something so pure and beautiful and you feel all the shades of it - DUALITY. Like I think of the love I have for my mum, our growth and memories, and that one day she won't be here, but I’m so grateful that she is here now. DUALITY
That I love my sisters and my tribe deeply but also appreciate that things are always changing so the natures of our relationship will inevitably change. Not for good or bad, but just change. So I give thanks for what is now - DUALITY
Tears are cleansing, as is water. Water can calm, nurture and heal, it can also conquer and destroy. As spirit is and does.
Now when I cry or can feel a cry creeping up, I feel divinely connected with spirit, the truest, purest and only infinite part of this human experience. It calls me to be present, allowing the free flow of energy that connects mind, body and spirit.